The ‘tween’ years offer parents a practice run before adolescence, says neuroscience educator NATHAN WALLIS, who stresses the importance of giving ‘tweens’ plenty of opportunities to assert their opinions, make decisions and take on responsibilities. By Kate Barber
From around 9 to 12 years, children are no longer ‘little kids’ but they haven’t entered adolescence either. The name “tween” describes this period of transition between childhood and the teenage years.
As kids mature into teenagers physically, emotionally and socially, they start to think in a more adult way. They develop a stronger sense of who they are and formulate their own ideas and opinions, while caring more and more about what others think of them, especially their peers. They may take up new interests, develop skills and push for more independence, while at the same time relying on their parents for support and guidance. It’s an exciting transitional period, but there can certainly be tension.
As far as child development goes, these years represent “a honeymoon period”, says Nathan. By six or seven our kids are acting a little more grown up: we can reason with them, and they don’t need us to do everything for them, from wiping bottoms to tying shoelaces. They are more independent, considerate and helpful.
But, around the age of nine, we start to see flashes of adolescence – “moments where they lose the plot, where they think you’re lame and that their friends know best.”
With puberty hormones kicking into gear, our tweens are are “dipping their toes in”, says Nathan. “They’re experimenting with a new way of being: they’re having a tantrum but asserting themselves in an adult way.”
The good thing is that, during the tween years, these outbursts are passing.
As unsettling as it is when your nine-year-old starts stamping her foot at you or slamming the door, Nathan says this stage offers parents a practice run, where we set a positive (or negative) pattern in the way we relate to our kids, before full-blown adolescence.
Our tweens have opinions and they need to feel that they are heard, he says. We want our kids to be able to challenge things, to assert themselves and to negotiate. At this age they’re pushing for independence, and with this comes responsibilities, and we need to be open to supporting this.
They will have meltdowns. But, Nathan says, it’s important we don’t dismiss them completely and walk away in these moments, or attempt to quash their outburst with hard logic or anger. Offer some support if you can, Nathan says: “I know it’s hard; do you need five minutes alone?”
Pushed to the limit by their behaviour, we can sometimes resort to threatening and bullying our kids into compliance – from yelling and screaming at them, to selling something that belongs to them or refusing to take them somewhere they want to go.
Most of us were raised like this, says Nathan. However, “brick wall parenting” doesn’t work. It doesn’t support kids to grow into teenagers and adults who can assert themselves confidently and respectfully, and it is damaging for our relationship.
Ultimately, punitive parenting leads to anger and resentment in our kids, and will push them away from us, he says.
When we think ahead to the challenges of the teenage years, we want our kids to have some bridge back to us, even when the river is raging and wide. We want them to come to us when something goes wrong or after they have a meltdown, and they’ll stop doing so if we dismiss, mock or yell at them.
Let kids have meltdowns, and then talk about it calmly at a later time, says Nathan, and when they come back to you, don’t immediately lecture them. Be open to listening to what they have to say.
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