There’s nothing more motivating for a Christmas-shopping parent than the fear of a disappointed little face on Christmas day. But with the cost-of-living crisis biting, many of us are reining in the Christmas spend. Psychologist DR RACHAEL SHARMAN says that can be a good thing, and when you give kids less, they gain lots more.
“But I asked for an X-Box!”. It’s comments like this every parent dreads on Christmas morning.
Dr Rachael Sharman, senior lecturer in psychology at Australia’s University of the Sunshine Coast, is keen for society as a whole to “walk back” from highly commercial and extravagant Christmas gift-giving. And she has reassuring news for those having to scale back from previous years – a little bit of disappointment on Christmas day actually gives kids the gift of coping skills.
Setting your (modest) Christmas traditions
Dr Sharman comes from a big family, so spending large amounts at Christmas just wasn’t possible.
“We, fortunately, had this tradition that Christmas was more about just getting together as a family so the cousins could play together and everyone catch up. The presents were really quite tokenistic, including the very early ones from Santa. And a lot of them were funny.”
Dr Sharman says this approach solves many problems, including issues that arise when one family member, a neighbour, or a friend, can afford to buy expensive gifts, while another can’t.
“That does raise questions among children like: ‘Why did Santa bring him a bike and me a plastic water pistol?’”
She suggests saving the expensive gifts for birthdays.
“I personally would encourage people to try and take that big commercial expectation of a massive present out of the arrangement and think about what Christmas really should mean for you and your family,” she says.
Dr Sharman says to remember that kids enjoy getting lots of little things, rather than one big expensive item. And for the wider family, Secret Santas can be a good way to avoid the cost of having to buy for everyone.
Ideally, families would set their (more modest) Christmas traditions right from the start when their kids are first born, and Dr Sharman encourages families to do this when you start your own family.
“If it’s going to be a big competition of who can buy the most expensive gift, how can you feasibly maintain that over 20 years? You can’t guarantee that’s always possible. So what do you want to set up here? And I think it is worth having a discussion with the wider family.”
Dr Sharman says young and primary school-age kids love consistency, as that’s what makes them feel safe.
“Not whether or not you can actually afford the big thing, but – is life tracking along as it always has, and do things seem to be stable and okay?”
It’s the anticipation that counts
Dr Sharman says it’s the excitement of receiving and opening a present that is exciting for kids.
“We know that in the brain there’s something we call anticipatory dopamine. It’s actually the anticipation that gets people excited and really revved up, more than the actual thing at the end of it, whatever that might be.
“That’s the sort of thing that people need to give some consideration to – that at the end of the day, it’s not really about the gift.”
But what if the kids are used to getting big gifts?
“Unfortunately, if the expectation in previous years has been set that everyone’s going to get a bike or a new sort of gaming device or something along those lines, it’s really hard to walk back from that,” Dr Sharman says.
That’s why it’s so good to set the ground rules early. However, that’s not always possible and sometimes you just have to learn and change course as you go. And that has benefits too.
Explaining that things are tight this year and the family can’t afford expensive presents is a valuable conversation to have with the kids – young or old.
“It’s great for kids to understand that as you go through life and become an adult yourself, you will go through times like this.
“I think kids occasionally need to learn the hard lesson that you can’t always get what you want. And that, we do have to cut corners and economise on occasions and that’s just part of life.”
Why ‘stress innoculation’ is a gift in itself
Dr Sharman says these experiences help provide the skills for later life, through what is known as ‘stress innoculation’ – little doses of stress or disappointment that they learn to cope with.
“It gives them the experience that – oh, okay, rough times happen. We have ways we can get around that. We can cope with that. The next time the rough time occurs might not be until they’re in their twenties or thirties. But they can draw back on that and realise it will be okay in the end.
“If they don’t ever have that experience, they have no memory, nothing to draw on and so we can end up with a proper meltdown.”
If kids have never had to ride out disappointment before, they can feel disgruntled when the ‘universe’ doesn’t supply them with what they think it should – based on previous experiences. It can also lead to irrational, anxiety-based decision-making later on.
“They might race down to the pokes and put $22 through there trying to get a thousand back to pay a bill.”
So if the parental guilt starts to creep in when you’re wrapping the presents this year, just remember – there’s a huge invisible gift you’re giving them too.
Read more: << 10 Christmas traditions to keep the magic alive >>
