Parenting is challenging enough when there are two of you. But how do you manage when you’re on your own? JACKIE RIACH of Triple P New Zealand shares her ideas for keeping it all together when you’re parenting solo.
It could be a relationship break-up, the death of a spouse, or just a partner that is away a lot – solo parenting can come about for a range of reasons. But regardless of how you find yourself alone in facing a giant pile of washing, bills, and tired and hungry children, the challenges are the same – a lot to do, and only one person to do it.
Jackie Riach, a clinical psychologist and the manager of parenting experts Triple P New Zealand, says there are multiple demands upon solo parents these days. There is the need to balance work and family, cope with the rising cost of living, manage challenging behaviour, oh and make sure you’re looking after yourself.
Before everything else, Jackie says it’s important for parents on their own to remember that children of single parents do just as well as those who have more than one carer. They also need to manage their expectations of themselves.
“No parent is perfect and at times things won’t go exactly to plan – that’s OK,” she says.
“There is so much to do as a single parent.”
Coping with behavioural issues
It’s also important not to succumb to the trap of feeling guilty and wanting to compensate for the children having a single parent, by letting challenging behaviour slide.
“It’s important for children to learn how to express emotions appropriately and thrive when supported by a routine, structure, and clear predictable boundaries,” Jackie says.
“Have a game plan ready to go before the behaviour escalates into something more challenging.”
She says the key to helping kids grow up healthy, happy, and resilient, is building strong connections and relationships with your child when they’re young. But this doesn’t have to mean spending big chunks of time with them.
“It can be easily achieved by showing your child that you’re available and spending small, meaningful moments together – it could be just a few minutes – listening to and engaging with your child when they come to you.”
Jackie’s tips for coping on your own
- Try to stay organised and plan ahead to reduce stress
- Find your support person or team. This could be a friend, relative, or an organisation that can back you up when needed. This could be having someone who can take turns with you to do the drop-off or pick-up from school, or extra-curricular activities.
- If you’re struggling to manage the children’s behaviour, find a mentor or look for trusted parenting support agencies.
- Prevent behavioural problems from arising in the first place by ensuring that kids have interesting things to do and a clear set of family rules, so they know what is expected of them.
- If a problem arises, try to stay calm yourself. Briefly state the problem and what you would like them to do instead. Praise your child when they make good decisions, rather than only react when they haven’t.
- If your single parenting has come about due to a separation, look for ways to have an effective co-parenting relationship with your child’s other parent.
Looking after yourself
As you no doubt know, you have to look after yourself to be able to look after others. Knowing it and doing it can be very different things though.
Triple P’s self-care tips include:
- Schedule in time for yourself. Put it in the diary by making small adjustments to your daily schedule so you can build in ways to look after yourself.
- Tune in to how you can improve your emotional, mental, physical, and social wellbeing. This might be practicing mindfulness or spending time with a friend.
- Do one thing each day that you enjoy – even if it’s just listening to one song or picking flowers.
- Consider whether you’re taking on too much and think about what you could drop.
- Draw on your support people to help with childcare if needed. Don’t go it all alone!
<< Read more: Parenting through separation >>
