Helping your teen through tough times

Do you just want your kids to be happy? That’s not enough if you want them to make it through the bad times too, says resilience expert Kate Gladdin. She shares her 3Rs of Resilience framework aimed at helping teens and their parents face the big – and small – challenges of life.

Kate Gladdin was 20 years old, finishing off her university studies, with a corporate career all lined up when her sister Nicole was killed in a motorbike accident in Thailand. As she searched for a way to live this new life without her sister, she threw away the corporate future and started the Nicole Fitzsimons Foundation, visiting Australian high schools teaching travel safety.

But what really interested the teens she spoke to was how Kate had gotten herself through the death of her sister and the dark times that followed. So she began a resilience coaching business and a podcast, Okay, Now What?! with Kate Gladdin, aimed at teens and 20-somethings (and their parents) who want to stop feeling anxious and boost their confidence as they navigate school, friends, relationships, and career confusion. During that time, she has built up her 3Rs of Resilience framework, which she is now sharing more widely in her new book “Okay, Now What?! How to Be Resilient When Life Gets Tough.

She says resilience isn’t a magical gift for bouncing back after knocks but “a set of skills to help you face the world with courage, adapt to change, and become mentally stronger”. And that’s not in spite of your challenges, but because of them.

“We’re not elastic bands that can snap back to happiness,” she says. But with intention and practice, we can avoid spiralling into anger, bitterness, and despair.

Strong, not just happy

Kate, originally from Sydney, but now living in Wyoming USA, says parents often say they want their kids to be happy.

“But if they’re not, they’re struggling – they’re sad, they’re disappointed, and it can make (them) start to spiral a bit because (they) want something different than what is happening.

“Ultimately, I think you should want your kids to be strong and to know how to feel their feelings without feeling like they’ve got to swipe them away.”

This means learning how to handle uncomfortable emotions.

“And the only way to know how to handle this is to let them feel it sometimes and be there and be empathetic.”

It also means parents must model resilience to their kids, showing them that struggles are every day and can be worked through.

Inject a dose of realism

It’s also essential for teens to understand that the world is unfair and unpredictable, Kate says.

“We work so hard now to make our kids’ lives nice and easy. But we are setting them up for that expectation that everything is going to go swimmingly.”

It’s time to realign their expectations, she says. Teens must also understand that everyone faces rejection— and it’s not personal or permanent.

Kate’s 3Rs of Resilience

Recognise your thoughts – and remember: thoughts are not facts

Just because you think something doesn’t mean it’s true.

Kate often asks teens to pretend they’re in a Court of Law and can only provide the facts about a situation to help them understand the difference between thoughts and facts.

For instance, a friend not inviting them to a party may lead them to assume that friend doesn’t care about them, say that friend always leaves them out, or think they’re not good enough, she says.

“We recognise that these are just thoughts. I show teens that this is good news because it’s something that is flexible and something we can question and change for the better. It gives us a little bit of power back.”

She says it helps them become more mindful of paying attention to their internal world rather than always blaming others and giving away their power to respond.

While this is a simple step, Kate says it does take time to engrain.

Reflect on how your thoughts affect you

Once we can recognise our thoughts, we need to start reflecting on how they make us feel and how they can fuel negative emotions.

While it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or frustrated, she says it’s important not to let emotions take over. Instead, ask: ’Is this thought helpful?’ and ‘How does it impact my actions?’

“I tell teens: it’s not about avoiding emotions, but learning to manage them,” Kate says.

When her sister died, Kate says she believed it was going to ruin her life and that she would never be happy again.

“That’s a valid thought. But if I just stayed focused on that thought, I felt helpless and angry. And so what I teach is not only do our thoughts influence our feelings, but they also influence our actions and behaviour.”

Continuing to think this way would have meant pushing away people she cared about and stopping doing things she enjoyed – creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

“Ultimately, I would start ruining my life with those actions,” she says.

“It’s a tough pill to swallow. But it gave me all my power back. The driver had the power to take my sister’s life, but he doesn’t have the power over how that impacts my life.”

Kate says another good reflection tool is to think about what you would say to a friend in your situation – and then say that to yourself. It’s also important to remember that no feelings are permanent.

Redirect negative thoughts with a question

Kate suggests using a deliberate question to take our brain off autopilot and to engage the purposeful part of our brains to see the bigger picture.

So instead of thinking: ‘Why is this happening to me?’ try asking: ‘How can I turn this setback into a comeback?’ Kate says.

“Even when you can’t find the silver lining, you can use your two hands to create it yourself,” she says.

As Kate reminds us: “What I can change and do have control over is my own kind of mindset and perspective. When we take ownership over that, that’s when we get the power back to choose what we feel, do, and create from whatever circumstances we’re given.”