Thinking about giving your child their first phone? Before you start laying down the rules, parenting coach SHERIDAN EKETONE says there’s something else you should do first.
Connection over control
When it comes to parenting in the digital age, Parenting Place coach Sheridan Eketone believes the key is connection over control.
“The more connected we are to our children, the safer they feel in their world and the more secure – and the better they behave,” she says.
Eketone is an advocate of the Circle of Security, an attachment-based parenting framework, which she believes provides a useful way to help manage introducing your child’s first phone.
“It’s about understanding that we are the secure base from which our children go out to explore, and the safe haven they return to when they need comfort,” she explains. She says our ability to meet their needs where we can is the foundation for how a good connection is built.
“So when we think about the ways forward with technology, it’s always starting with relationship and connection. So prioritising relationship over the rules as a starting point is really, really important because our kids are much more likely to get on board with us if we are interacting with them in a way that values the connection with them first.”
Question when and why
Parenting Place has collaborated with Spark to provide a ‘Parent Hub‘ with online resources to help families navigate digital life together. This goes with the release of Spark’s new Kids Plan, billed as New Zealand’s first mobile plan designed specifically for kids and parents, with built-in protections.
Eketone says there isn’t a magical age when it’s right for a child to have a phone or a device, but it’s important to ask ourselves: ‘Do they need a device?’ and ‘Why do they need a device? before we dive in.
Valid reasons may include safety when travelling independently or needing to stay in touch between two homes. But it is important to consider whether a phone is really necessary.
“Too often we are not asking the whys,” she says. “And then, if we decide we need a phone, what kind of phone do we need?”
The whānau hui
A key tool for Eketone when introducing a phone, is the ‘whānau hui’ – a family meeting to talk openly about technology.
“It might be after dinner, before dessert,” she suggests. “We sit down and just have an open conversation. ‘Tell me about why. What do you think you need it for?’ So you’re actually leaning into what it is they feel first before we come with our long list of ‘I’ve decideds’”.
She also recommends using a phone contract. “You are never going to get a better opportunity to lay some firm foundations or boundaries around a device than when you haven’t given one,” she says.
And it’s a good opportunity to discuss some of the risks.
“With my girls, I had some scary conversations around nudes (sexting), and they were horrified – but it was a great opportunity to discuss some of the risks around what can happen on a device and why we need to have this agreement together.”
Eketone says it’s OK to disappoint your kids, by not giving them everything they might want when it comes to devices and that phone usage can look different in different families.
“In our family, we might have a family phone that stays in the kitchen. And if someone’s going to the mall with their friend, they take the family phone. There are lots of ways of easing into the technology space. And I think it’s really our job as parents to lead our kids in that.”
Oops, too late?
For parents who feel like the ‘horse has bolted’ when it comes to technology, Eketone offers the idea of a ‘tech reset.’
“Use the whānau hui to talk about what is an acceptable amount of screen time. Are we valuing face-to-face relationships instead of just constantly being on a device?”
Eketone believes that parenting in the digital age is all about intention.
“Let’s not just throw them the iPad and wish for the best,” she says. “Let’s really be mindful around what it is we’re saying yes to.”
Read more << Why controlling screen time matters so much >>
