If a wave of loneliness hits you as you walk through the school gates – or while you’re at home cradling your new baby – you’re not alone. Making friends as a mum can be tough, and loneliness is common, says clinical psychologist RACHEL HARKER.
Let’s face it: parenting can be isolating. And it often comes as a surprise when we expect to feel nothing but joy and love.
“Many of us go into motherhood with certain expectations that we know there’s going to be sleepless nights, body changes, hormone shifts. Even though we might not necessarily have ever experienced it before, we at least know about it and kind of know it’s coming,” Australian-based Harker says.
“But I think what surprises a lot of mums is the isolation and loneliness that comes with it, especially in those early days, in the newborn’s first few months. And I don’t think it’s spoken about much, and I think that element of surprise can make it that much harder.”
Many of us don’t have a village anymore – our families live far away or are too busy. Modern life doesn’t leave much room for community, and that can quietly chip away at our friendships and support networks.
And it’s not just the baby phase. The school gate can feel just as confronting. There’s no buddy seat for parents.
“I think it can affect you at all ages of your children’s lives,” Harker says.
“There’s the newborn phase where you’re often just at home more, and you’re physically isolated, and that can bring on the loneliness. But as your children get older and they’re maybe at daycare or at school, that can bring on a different type of loneliness in that sense that you might drop your kids off at the school gate or even if there’s a car line, you might not even get out of the car and not have the opportunity to meet and connect with other mums or other parents.”
Then there’s the silence that comes when the kids grow up and leave, or the quiet drift of friendships that no longer fit. Life changes, routines shift, and some friends fade away.
Ironically, lots of parents feel this loneliness but are too embarrassed or ashamed to say so.
“We’re all on phones, all have multiple kinds of apps, social media, things like that. But in reality, we’re more disconnected than ever and mental health concerns are increasing, body image concerns are increasing.”
Harker has worked as a clinical psychologist in youth mental health and has a passion for working with individuals aged 18 to 25. Over the last five years, she’s noticed a rise in loneliness among young people In response, she recently launched Tribal, a dating and friendship app in Australia that connects people based on shared values and interests. She hopes to bring it to New Zealand soon too.
Harker’s tips for making friends as a mum
Aligned values are the foundation of any lasting relationship, Harker says.
“You can have very different personalities, but if you have those core aligned values, that is the key to long-term success in those relationships.”
But there are two other keys: commitment and consistency.
Commitment
Say yes to the playdate you’ve been putting off. Stick around after school for a quick chat with another parent. Small follow-throughs build trust.
“Have that kind of ‘yes’ approach to those connections and those follow-ups,” Harker says.
“I know that can be easier said than done, and sometimes when you’ve got younger kids with conflicting nap schedules, things like that, it can be challenging.”
Be brave: ask for a phone number and suggest a meet-up.
Consistency
Find a playgroup, community event or class – then keep showing up.
“There’s a good chance the other people who are going there are also feeling isolated and craving that connection,” Harker says.
Volunteer
Volunteering gives you a shared purpose and built-in time with others. Join a school committee or offer to help at the local sports club.
Surviving the school gate
No question – it can be intimidating.
“I think if you’re going in there as a new parent to that environment and you’re seeing those established groups or people in a rush, it can be really hard to kind of break into that,” Harker says.
Instead of trying to wedge yourself into a group, look for someone standing alone.
“Don’t try to break into an established group. And this goes for more than just the school gate. This can be anywhere, such as the playground. If there’s another mum by herself, or sometimes people might scroll on their phone as a coping mechanism to appear busy and look like they’ve something to do.
“Be as brave as you can and go up to that mum and say ‘Hi’ and start talking. Because I would say there’s a good chance they’re also feeling isolated and alone.
“And don’t be afraid to share how you’re feeling. Sometimes it just takes that one first person to say, ‘Hey, I’m feeling this way,’ and it would be amazing to see what follows from that and who else might open up.”
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