Feel like you’re shouldering the lion’s share of unpaid labour and planning at home? New research shows that same-sex couples are good at dividing these jobs more fairly. Sociologist DR ALICE BEBAN reveals what they do better.
If you’re already dreading the extra workload Christmas will bring, you’re not alone. Much like the unpaid day-to-day labour needed at home, the bulk of organising special events like Christmas can fall on one partner in particular – often women – regardless of whether they have paid employment or not. So, before you start juggling the Christmas menu, organising the gift and food shopping, and the house tidying, check out these tips to help redress the balance and create more harmony at home.
The unpaid labour imbalance
Dr Alice Beban, senior lecturer in sociology at Te Kunenga ki Pūrehuroa – Massey University, says Australian research found that same-sex couples were doing better at distributing the home workload in a way they were both happy with. So, Dr Beban’s team began in-depth research with same-sex couples here in New Zealand to find out if the same was true here – and what they were doing that made the difference.
“People know there’s a gap in the money that (women) get for paid labour (compared to men), and we know that’s a problem. But there’s not enough attention to the fact that unpaid labour in the household is still really unequal,” Dr Beban says.
“That affects the gender pay gap as well. If women are doing more work in the household, we’re not able to do the same amount of work outside the household,” she says.
Younger people are doing better…but only for a while
While there’s more recognition among younger people about sharing the workload more fairly, Dr Beban says this often falls away once children enter the picture.
“When a couple are pre-kids and trying to navigate unpaid labour in the household, it is more equal than in past generations. So, women are doing more work outside the household and men are helping more inside the household.
“But when people have kids, it becomes unequal. Women do a lot more of the unpaid labour in the early child-rearing years – to some extent that’s biological as more women are at home doing the breastfeeding, taking the parental leave. But what is really interesting, is that it never goes back again. In those early years this pattern of gender inequality gets entrenched and then it doesn’t shift.”
What same-sex couples do differently
Dr Beban’s research with same-sex couples here reflected that found overseas – most of the couples felt their division of labour was fair and they had good strategies for managing it.
Same-sex couples have the benefit of sitting outside the societal ‘norms’ and expectations in this area, and so were working with a blank canvas when it came to domestic arrangements, Dr Beban says.
“One of the couples said to me: ‘Look, we don’t have a gender script because it’s not written for us that I know how to do the dishes and he knows how to mow the lawns. Because we’re two women or two guys, we continually create the script.’”
Sharing the jobs out by who has the time, rather than by whether it’s a ‘male’ or ‘female’ job, also meant less dependency was created. For instance, if one partner always does the taxes, what happens if they get ill or the couple splits up? Dr Beban says this was an important consideration discussed by the same-sex couples researched.
Go for fair, not strictly equal
Many of the couples studied weren’t always achieving a 50-50 split in terms of time spent on unpaid household jobs – for example, they didn’t necessarily cook three nights a week each. Instead, there was more recognition of what was going on with the kids and with work, and the need to be flexible, Dr Beban says.
“There might be a period where one partner carried more of the load. However, the key thing that came out was that this was flexible, and they were really aware of it. They talked about it and recognised it.
“They were really concerned about fairness, and they made sure that both in the day-to-day and in the long-term they were flexible with who did what, so they could help their partner.”
They were also likely to share their parental leave.
“They were very aware that partners who stay at home have penalties in the workplace in terms of ongoing earning potential and retirement savings – there are all these flow-on effects,” Dr Beban says.
Have regular check-ins – and include the kids
It’s easy to slip back into gendered expectations without thinking after having kids and that’s why the most successful couples were those having regular check-ins and hard conversations – and doing it early, Dr Beban said.
“Rather than letting things simmer, actually having discussions about what’s working and what could work well, can help enable a more equitable division of labour.
“Whereas having those conversations when they come from a place of tension, antagonism or feelings of unease, doesn’t actually help.”
Dr Beban says one couple sat down with the kids at Sunday dinner and checked in then. They would discuss what was coming up for the week and who could do what.
“The kids were part of it, so they brought it into their every-day. It was just a thing they did during dinner, and they didn’t have to wait until people were annoyed.”
Get the kids to help out too – it helps them academically
Overseas research reveals that if kids get involved in unpaid family labour from as young as toddler age – even just cleaning up their toys – the benefits stretch far beyond just developing a sense of independence and having a clean floor.
Dr Beban says research has followed toddlers through to adulthood and found that those involved in unpaid labour from early on, had more successful relationships and did better academically.
“And that was for both young girls and boys,” Dr Beban says.
“It’s just learning that sometimes there is stuff that is not that fun to do – like maths or doing the dishes. But it has to get done. And they know that feeling of intrinsic reward when they’ve done something, rather than avoiding it.”
So, get the kids involved in the jobs – make it fun and do them as a family.
“Find ways to make it a family activity and then they see that ‘oh, Dad does the dishes too and Mum also does the outside yard work’. So, you’re disrupting any of those slips into gender norms,” Dr Beban says.
She highlights one family that would spend an hour on a Sunday afternoon doing work in the yard together.
“It might be mowing and weeding, but they’re doing it together. It’s just a non-negotiable in the household. Then after that, they go out for an ice cream, so there’s a reward attached.”
Value the unpaid labour
Dr Beban says the same-sex couples talked about the importance of seeing and valuing unpaid labour.
“It’s about being really aware, noticing, and then verbalising that. So, people would say: ‘Thank you for cooking the dinner’, or ‘I saw you cleaned the floor, it looks great’.
“It sounds really simple, but actually noticing and verbalising and doing it in front of the kids, teaches them that this is something valuable and they can give thanks as well.
“So much of this is a history of unpaid labour being devalued – we don’t see it, we don’t reward it, we don’t count it in GDP. And yet it is the thing that keeps society going.”
Do a stock take
The couples researched were asked to note down the unpaid tasks they had each done and how long they took, Dr Beban says. The researchers used categories such as: physical tasks – like shopping and cleaning; emotional tasks – such as caring for children and pets; and mental tasks – like meal planning and managing finances. They then included an extra column where each partner jotted down what they thought their partner did.
“They then came together and talked about it – not from a space of ‘I did more than you’, but from a space of ‘let’s see how things are at the moment and then have a talk’”, Dr Beban says. It formed the basis of useful conversations and is an approach anyone could use.
Check your own gendered expectations at the door
Both women and men can have gendered expectations they may not even be conscious of. What do you expect of yourself or your partner that may be a gendered expectation and could be done differently? And how else can you take the pressure off yourself? Do you think the house MUST be sparkly clean before people come around, or could you tidy it up ‘just enough’ and abandon that expectation of perfection you may be placing on yourself?
Dr Beban says it’s important to remember that men can do domestic tasks well too and that expectations that women always put others first, and are better at certain tasks than men, need to be abandoned.
“Some of it is about trying to shift the expectations we might have internalised too.”
