One in nine Kiwi women are diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime and Mum of two KELLY SMYTHE was one of them. She shares with us what she learned and how you can support other families dealing with a cancer diagnosis.
Kelly, who is now 46, was diagnosed with breast cancer midway through 2021. It turned out to be aggressive and she underwent surgery 10 days after her diagnosis, followed by 20 weeks of chemotherapy and daily radiation.
While she’s enjoying much better health now, she continues to take medication.
Kelly’s kids were 13 and 16 when she was diagnosed, and she says the experience has taught her a lot. This includes the importance of being open with kids about illness, rather than putting on a brave face and not addressing their fears directly. This leads to them making assumptions, she says.
“I never ever once thought that I was going to die, or anything like that, but I didn’t have that conversation with my children on how they were feeling,” Auckland-based Kelly says.
“Once I’d finished (my treatment) I had a conversation with the kids – especially my youngest – and she said: ‘You know, I would cry at night because I thought you were going to die Mum.”
Kelly says if you’re putting on a brave face, they feel they should as well, and hide their feelings from you.
Work/life balance
Another important lesson learned was the importance of work/life balance.
When her daughters got up to speak at a party to celebrate the end of her treatment and described her as a workaholic, Kelly took stock, resigning from the specific role she held then, moving to one involving fewer hours. Kelly works for courier company Post Haste, who she says have been very supportive throughout her journey. Post Haste also works with Breast Cancer Foundation NZ, waiving delivery costs to help get Pink Ribbon Breakfast host kits out to the public.
Kelly says every cancer journey is different, and people need to follow their own path – which includes deciding what works best for them regarding seeing other people and receiving help. Although she stresses not being afraid to ask for help.
Kelly shares this advice for those wanting to help families struggling with a cancer diagnosis.
Offer to help with errands
Could you offer to do pick-ups and drop-offs for school? Or perhaps take the kids out on the weekend, when parents may not have the energy.
Be mindful of immunity levels
When supporting people with cancer, be aware their immunity is compromised when going through treatment, and they can’t afford to get sick.
“While other people might think, ‘Oh, I’ve only got a little bit of a sniffle’, if you (the patient) get a temperature of 38 degrees, you’ve got to go to hospital,” Kelly says.
Be aware they may not want to see you
People undergoing treatment will feel up and down in terms of wellness and energy. Even sitting around chatting requires energy they may not have.
“Just be mindful of when you’re going to see them. Because the day of your chemo and for around three days afterwards, it’s not great,” Kelly says. So, check as to when would be a good time to visit. At other times just leave gifts or food by the door without disturbing them.
Drop around premade dinner and other food
“I really appreciated that,” Kelly says. As above, consider just leaving it at the door and texting to say it’s there.
Listen out for specific ways to help
When Kelly needed a wig after chemotherapy, a $400 grant was available for a synthetic wig. But her friends banded together to come up with the money for a more expensive wig that was more comfortable and able to be styled like her real hair.
“I really appreciated that, because I would probably have bought a synthetic wig. When you’ve got a nicer one, you feel more like yourself.”
Offer to drive the person to chemotherapy appointments if they need it and sit with them there
“I found it was really lovely to have people signed up to come with me and sit for the two and a half or three hours. So, I would suggest people reach out in that way,” Kelly says. Be mindful this may not suit everyone.
Respect their privacy – especially on social media
Kelly said she didn’t post about her cancer journey on social media as it wasn’t something she felt comfortable with. She advises checking with the person first before putting anything about their cancer journey – particularly photos – up online. Remember, this is their story to tell.
Read more: How to look after yourself (when you don’t have time) >>
